I'm BAAAAAAACK (for better or for worse)

Although it is against my better professional judgment to once again take up the reigns of this rambling mess, I feel empty inside without it. Plus, the 120-character Twitter allotment isn't nearly enough room for the daily rants I have in my head.

It's been quite a journey since I began this blog in January 2007 in an effort to distract myself from the idea of suicide while I waited my first semester law school grades. But, law students everywhere, hear this: consider this proof that you too can get through law school (and maybe even with a decent GPA), graduate, get a job, and study for and pass the bar exam (all at a cost to you of a mere six-figure debt!). And if that doesn't sound like 3+ years of sexy fun, then I just don't know what sexy fun is anymore.

Someone recently accused me of being "the grumpiest Facebook status updater ever." I have been called this (and worse) by many people, and not just recently. And I kind of take a shine to it. But whatever the underlying psychological reasons may be, I need an outlet to bash the moronic things I encounter or observe on a daily basis... so let's get to it.

A sportswriter / general shennanigan-haver pal Twittered today regarding the Gilbert Arenas suspension:

"Arenas suspended indefinitely. That sound you hear is Earl Boykins crawling out of a duffle bag."

Obviously this is just a big misunderstanding.

Batman actor Christian Bale arrested over assault allegation

This is clearly a lie.

Report: 'Batman' accused of assaulting mom, sister

LONDON — Batman star Christian Bale was to be questioned by police over allegations he assaulted his mother and sister the night before the European premiere of his film, "The Dark Knight," British media reported Tuesday.

His mother and sister reportedly complained that the 34-year-old actor assaulted them at a west London hotel on Sunday.

Britain's Press Association said they made the allegation at a police station in south England on Monday and that the allegation was passed on to Scotland Yard in London. It said questioning was expected Tuesday.

When asked Tuesday about the news reports, Scotland Yard said it was investigating an allegation referred to it by another police force but refused to say whether the incident involved Bale.

The Sun newspaper said police did not question Bale on Monday because they did not want to interfere with the premiere.

Bale's U.S.-based representatives did not immediately return messages seeking comment. Phone calls to Bale's London representative were not unanswered. [were not "unanswered?]

"It's Friday [the 13th], I'm in Love"

I recently saw the Cure. They were sensational of course, but cripes--Robert Smith is not aging well. In fact, he bore a frightening likeness to someone you may recognize:

WHAT'S! MY! NAME!? Apparently it's written across your rear windshield

Without a doubt, the most shocking element of this story: DMX lives in fuckin Phoenix?

These guys nailed it

Given my previous tirade against Criss Angel's dumb ass "magical" mind freaking, this video simply must be posted... enjoy.

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

Simon's latest victim: aspiring American Idol Alberto Hurtado

This is a rare gem... Please, please watch it. I promise it's worth it.

"You are the equivalent of a storm cloud on a sunny day..."

Paging Dr. Phil to the Moron of the Week podium

As much as it pains me to give even more attention to the awe-inspiring nuclear meltdown that is Britney Spears, it also gives me an opportunity to trash the ridiculously self-serving and obnoxious goober- ishness of Dr. Phil. Howard Stern had some choice words about the good doctor on Letterman the other night, not the least of which was his pointing out the fact that a Ph.D. from North Texas (with a dissertation on arthritis) hardly qualifies the man as an expert on everybody else's personal business.
In any event, Phil blamed the media for exaggerating the story and implied that it's this kind of trashy journalism that made the washed-up star into what she is. Fair enough, but should Dr. Phil really be calling out anyone else for "trashy journalism?"
And FYI, Doc--while I'm sure your trip to the psychotic ex-star's hospital room was made out of sheer compassion for your fellow human being--the girl was already in a real medical facility, surrounded by real medical doctors... I think they had things about as under control as it was gonna get. If anybody should be on the case, it's the magnificent Jeff Van Vonderen from Intervention (who ironically looks frighteningly like you).

But then again, what the hell do those guys know anyways? After all, you are the almighty, all-knowing guru wielding a Ph.D. from North Texas. Who are we to doubt your greatness?

Young co-ed or toothless heroin junkie? A tough choice

While there are several problems with the fact that this story below even happened, I'll start with this: hey, dingus--in case you didn't get this memo in your orientation packet, YOU'RE A DIVISION-I QUARTERBACK AT THE BIGGEST SCHOOL IN THE COUNTRY. I think you just might be able to find a few campus floozies to give up the goods on any given night... Just a thought.

OSU's Henton charged with soliciting prostitute

Columbus, Ohio — Ohio State backup quarterback Antonio Henton pleaded not guilty to a misdemeanor charge of soliciting for prostitution in Franklin County Municipal Court Tuesday.

Henton, 20, was arrested at 8:27 p.m. Monday on High Street near the school's campus after offering an undercover Columbus police officer $20 for intercourse, according to a police complaint.

He was carrying just $19 at the time of his arrest.

That last line is great.

But this episode is just the latest layer off the onion in what has become a perplexing epidemic in our society. For the life of me I will never ever understand athletes and other famous people. Many of you famous people have accomplished virtually nothing in life (See e.g. Lindsay Lohan, reality tv stars, Kevin Federline) yet you dolts are followed and fawned over. You have zillions of dollars. You could be ass-ugly and it wouldn't matter (if you don't believe me, just take a look at these guys):

nevertheless there would be a considerable amount of people with no self-respect who would jump ass-first in front of a scud missle just for the chance to get you in the sack.

And instead, what do some of you fools prefer to do? You go to the nastiest of neighborhoods and troll for $20 hookers. At least do what the Republican politicians do (when they aren't lecherously stalking young male aides or soliciting manlove in an airport crapper) and go through the high society madams and get the "classy" broads.

And for crying the muck out loud--STOP DRIVING!!! Leave the drunken driving arrests to teenagers and the law students who can't afford cabs. Why are you even driving in the first place when you have enough money to construct your own personal public transportation system? You should be doing the only thing you know how to do: sitting in a tinted-out stretch something drinking Grey Goose and snorting gator tails of blow with your entourage of coattail-riding peons. I know I would!*



*Dear potential employer: I really wouldn't.

Morons of the Week: Criss Angel fans

Wow. Just when I thought pro wrestling, the Global Warming Denial Machine, and David Blaine had laid claim to all the gullible people in North America, this knucklehead comes along and usurps the throne. But I can't blame him for making a buck off of the stupidity of others--hell, NASCAR has been doing that for years! My real qualm is with his supporters.

Holy Toledo, he just bit a crowbar in half and levitated in the middle of the street! Amazing! And what's he doing now--oh, my--he's fox-trotting up the side of an office building! How the hell does he do that?? Dude, I think I--yeah...

I'M LIKE TOTALLY MINDFREAKED!!!

The only freaky thing here is that there seems to be a mass following of bafoons who actually buy into this pathetic charade. Newsflash folks, there's nothing Mindfreakish about just plain lying about stuff (trust me, I know--I'm a law student).

The sad reality for these people is that there's a whole lot of mindnumbing and not so much of the mindfreaking going on. This guy wakes up, puts on a black shirt, jewelry and makeup, and stands in front of a camera psyching you out about all this cool shit he's gonna do. The camera stops rolling, he goes home, the editors put in the camera effects, and all of a sudden he's gone from looking like your regular bus station bathroom stall gigolo to Harry fucking Houdini.

The only magical thing about this guy is that he spells his name "Criss" and has yet to get his ass stomped into the intensive care ward. COME ON PEOPLE!!!

Moron of the Week: Special Inaugural 2-part Edition!!!

Today I'm beginning what will be a new quasi-weekly feature highlighting the asinine. For my first installment, I present to you a couple of easy targets:





We have Michael Vick and Tim Donaghy (not Kobe, but the short cracker next to him). Vick, of course, you know as indicted (and soon to be convicted) canine coliseum promoter/dog killer (and piss-poor quarterback) extraordinaire. Donaghy is an NBA referee who has just pled guilty to fixing point spreads in games he officiated in order to satisfy his mob gambling debts. Aside from the fact that they're both degenerates, they also have one thing in common: trying their best--and succeeding--to throw away a cushy dream career involving no actual work. Well done gentlemen!

However, Vick is by far the biggest moron here. Here's a guy who came from nothing, but was handed the world because of his innate athletic ability. So you get to the NFL, the city and its NFL franchise immediately embraces you, and you're filthy ass rich. Despite the fact that your intelligence level is embarrasingly low, or that you couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with a football, you are nonetheless loved by all.

The world has been handed to you! All you have to do in return is lift weights, learn plays, and use your brain sometimes.

But then what kind of moron would you be? Instead, you took the road of the embicile. Let's review a few of your escapades:

- Using the alias "Ron Mexico" on an STD test. Way to sneak below the radar there.
- Settling a civil suit brought by some ho-ho to whom you probably gave herpes
- Getting caught with a stolen watch at an airport security checkpoint
- Smoking weed--and being photographed while doing it
- Trying to sneak a water bottle w/ hidden ganja compartment, also through an airport security checkpoint (because clearly a man with a $140 mil contract should risk his reputation by trying to hang onto a $12.99 weed bottle)
- Admitting you stopped trying (excellent leadership decision) in the fourth quarter of a close game
- Shooting the bird at home fans when they rightfully booed horrendous passing performance no. 138
- Standing up the entire U.S. Congress, who had scheduled a special ceremony to honor your charitable contributions--then blaming AirTran, one of your corporate sponsors, for missing the flight
- Being related to your brother Marcus (okay, not technically his fault--but scoldworthy nonetheless)

Not to mention, in six years in the NFL, your QB skills have actually regressed. Yes, you are a spectacular runner with mind-blowing speed. Unfortunately that's about all you are, and an NFL QB must be much more--e.g. passing accuracy, ability to read a defense, good decision-making, and leadership abilities (see Manning, Peyton; McNabb, Donovan; Brady, Tom).

Nevertheless, despite your repeated off-field episodes and your mediocre QB skills, we gave you the benefit of the doubt. We stuck with you. We naively believed you when you said you were working hard, making the right decisions, and that you loved the Falcons and their fans. And now you've gone and been indicted (and at this point, all but convicted) of some pretty reprehensible, senseless, MORONIC stuff. You have officially snatched disgrace from the jaws of beloved stardom.

And as for you, Tim Donaghy, well, you're just a weasel. Vick may be guilty of being extremely dumb, but you connived to wreck the NBA, thereby toying with people's jobs and integrity, in order to line your pockets a little and fuel your gambling habit. You were making six figures, staying in nice hotels with comfy per diems, and shmoozing with star athletes--all for running around and blowing a whistle a few times a week. But that wasn't enough for you, because you're a sleazy slimeball! You are now going to federal prison, where you may or may not share a cell with a certain mentally challenged ex-quarterback.

Justice Moustache salutes you both for proving that people will always find ways to destroy terrific situiations for themselves. Enjoy your stays in the pokey!

Rude little pig

Boy that Alec Bladwin sure is a nut.

"A life?" What the piss is that?

Well I seem to have fallen into the large category of people who ambitiously embark on a blog only to abandon it two weeks later. To all six of the people who have read this--in particularly the one or two that have actually noticed I've been gone--I apologize. As you guys know, second semester of law school is at once bewildering and revealing. I've been busy trying to balance the longtime gf (a non-law student) with cramming my brain full of federal subject matter jurisdiction and equal protection. Somewhere in between, I have fallen into the habit of drinking one glass of scotch every weeknight. Just one; around 11:30, while reading the last bit of jargon for the next day's classes, and it puts me right to sleep. It's quite wonderful actully. And of course Friday nights are generally blackouts, so Saturday is always a wash as far as studying goes.

Anyhwho, I won't get into the Virginia Tech tragedy because for one, we could all use a break, and two, it will just piss me off to mention that worthless SOB and make me depressed thinking about all the people he victimized.

I will however briefly mention something much, much less important, and that's Don Imus. I don't think anyone should be burned at the stake just for being stupid and offensive. If that were the case, Bill O'Reilly would be long gone, Rush Limbaugh would be a heap of ashes, Ann Coulter would be crsipier than a rattlesnake on the summer pavement, and O.J. Simpson... well, we all know his fate awaits him on a much toastier plane. In any event, it's a sorry state of affairs when some decrepit old carmudgeon essentially takes a line from "Doggystyle" and it suddenly balloons into the next Cuban Missle Crisis.

I'm not insensitive or naive (at least I like to think so); I know there's more to it than that. Racist and sexist overtones, of course. But hell, Tim Hardaway ranted on a radio show about how much he hates and is disgusted by gays, and that blew over in less than 48 hours. Of course, in a capitalistic society, money talks, bullshit walks... In this case, the money talking is from the radio stations' corporate sponsors pulling out faster than Tom Brady with his next C-list actress, and the bullshit walking is Don Imus.

But whatever your view may be (and please do share it), let's not lose sight of the real issue here: should Don Imus really be calling out anybody else for having nappy hair?

A valuable lesson in humility; the Donald; Obama 2008

Greetings new friends. I promise this is the last I'll wax on this issue... As afore menioned, I fell into the first semester trap--as so many 1Ls before me--of predicting my own success before receiving my exam grades. Although they turned out to not be as bad as I had initially thought (getting your worst grade back first is probably best for morale purposes), I'm firmly entrenched in the middle of the pack, while my aspirations had been for at least top 30%.

To further compound my confusion, I was nonchalantly conversing with another 1L the other day, a nice guy, but one whom I hadn't really figured to have much of a brain. Turns out he got all As and high Bs... which leaves me to go further impale myself on the piercing cutlass of humility. I have chosen to view this lesson as a blessing though; this experience has taught me to forget whatever I thought I knew about my own God-given abilities, and more importantly, not assume I have everyone figured out.

Moving along, I was watching Larry King last night (not really on purpose; I was flipping around) and saw Donald Trump. And I don't care about who's right or right and wrong--you've gotta love this guy. Larry showed a clip from that God-awful piece of midmorning feces, "The View" (which does for the female image what beer ads do for males), in which the lead hens are pecking about on stage, once again clucking about the Donald. Rosie O'Donnell reared back her chicken head and screeched some jibberish about "The Apprentice" tanking (which is news to me), much to the delight of the spectator hens, at which point Barbara Walters recants her previous disclosures about hating Rosie (as every American citizen does, aside from the sycophantic flabby-armed housewives gleefully gyrating in the audience). Donald of course comes across cooler and classier, reluctant to beat the dead horse that is this ongoing charade, and casually pointed out that "The Apprentice" commands ratings that Rosie's canceled show could never have dreamed of, and that once they stop talking about him on The View, the ratings will come back down again.

Thoughts?

I used to admire Barbara Walters for her journalism, but I can't help but lose all respect for her after she carved out her own backbone and pretended she loved Rosie.

In any event, without The View we would never have been graced with Tracy Morgan's impressions of Star Jones, which make this whole mess worthwhile.

And most importantly, Barack Obama will compete for the 2008 Democratic Presidential nomination.


I do have my fears about the way the country will react since so many people (mostly cavemen, cannibals, and NASCAR enthusiasts) aren't ready to have a non-white male President, but if we are able to at least open up to the possibility, it would be an unprecedented leap forward for America. Plus, even the most red-blooded Republicans are starting to realize that anything is better than what we're currently stuck with.**

**disclaimer: Republicans are Americans too, and I have several right wing friends who would even argue that they are also human beings.