Most of my grades are now in, and things are looking quite a bit brighter than they did at this time last year, to say the least. The main differences:
I learned how to study.
I learned how to write exams.
I'm no longer being graded against my 1L section (which, unlike the rest of the sections, was half composed of law review members).
Two of my classes had 3Ls as well, who apparently no longer care about exams.
I would like to point out to some of you 1Ls who may be disappointed with your grades that the first ever law school grade I received was a (and thankfully my only) C, at which point I began contemplating downing a large antifreeze martini. However, the grades got better as more came in, and second semester I raised my overall GPA two full points (on a scale of 99, not 4.0) to a respectable level. This semester I raised it even more and my class ranking is absurdly higher from the frustrating level at which I started out.
The point is that all the people who tell you your first semester grades "lock you in" to your class ranking for the remainder of law school are WRONG. That's ludicrous--it's ONE semester out of six--you do the math. I raised my ranking nearly 40% (and no more Cs). Law school exams are a learning experience, and it takes a round or two for some folks to get in their groove. Keep your head up!!
Showing posts with label exams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label exams. Show all posts
Some limited wisdom for the 1L or law school hopeful
Almost halfway done--woot! Since I'm approaching the midway point, I'll share a few gems I've picked up over the past 16 months.
1. Some professors--not many, but some--are extremely lazy. If you have a hunch about one, it's probably right, and the grades will be given out with no particular rhyme or reason.
2. Cold-sending resumes is a monumental waste of time.
3. Don't ever try to predict your exam grades. You'll get your worst grade on the one you "aced" and your best grade on the one you were sure you failed.
4. Outlining as you go along is far more efficient much less stressful than doing it all at the end, even if you think the latter would be "a great way to review."
5. Anyone who struts out of a four hour exam after two hours has really missed the boat on something. Feel free to snicker when they do.
5 1/2. NEVER leave an exam early. That's superbly retarded. Even if all you can do is go back and reword your answers, why not do it and pick up a few style points? That could be the difference between a B+ and an A-, etc. Plus, it makes you look like a damn fool and you will be ridiculed once you're gone.
6. Exercise whenever possible. Don't be one of the multitudes of people who completely let themselves go in law school. Studying, while necessary, is not a replacement for exercise. Plus it makes your brain and your body feel better and lets you sleep more soundly (not to mention getting all the alcohol out of your pores). If you turn into a lard ass during law school, you think you're gonna have a bunch of time to undo the damage when you start practicing? Hmmmmmmmmm??
7. Study groups can be useful but generally are way overrated. You can find out early what works for you, and it's an important thing to do.
8. Ignore professors who tell you not to do "post mortems" once an exam is over. Talk about it as much as you can--why the hell not (but not with someone who doesn't share your enthusiasm)
9. Guys: don't tell anybody, except your best law school friend, anything you don't want everybody at school to know.
Ladies: don't tell anybody anything you don't want everybody at school to know.
10. Try to be as gossip-free and civil with as many people as you can. You never know when you're going to need a favor from an old classmate sometime down the road, even if it's the geeky doofus who raised his hand every day of your first year.
11. 8 hrs of sleep on a school night is too much. 5 is too little. 6 1/2 is perfect.
12. A lot of people who really, really suck as people will get really high-paying jobs, and as a result they will suck even more. Don't waste your time caring too much about this because it's happened since the beginning of time and there's nothing you can do about it.
13. Your non-law school friends don't care at all about your law school jargon or gripes, and why the hell should they? The more you try to sound lawyerly, the less interest they will have in being around you. Most of them probably have no idea how long law school is, how long you've been there, or how long you have left. To them you're just "in school," just like how to you, they're "doing marketing or something."
14. The amount someone talks in class is 150% unrelated to how good their grades will be. I cannot stress this enough.
14 1/2. If your syllabus says class participation is a factor in the final grade, your professor is lying like a motherfucker.
Please feel free to add any wisdoms I left out.
1. Some professors--not many, but some--are extremely lazy. If you have a hunch about one, it's probably right, and the grades will be given out with no particular rhyme or reason.
2. Cold-sending resumes is a monumental waste of time.
3. Don't ever try to predict your exam grades. You'll get your worst grade on the one you "aced" and your best grade on the one you were sure you failed.
4. Outlining as you go along is far more efficient much less stressful than doing it all at the end, even if you think the latter would be "a great way to review."
5. Anyone who struts out of a four hour exam after two hours has really missed the boat on something. Feel free to snicker when they do.
5 1/2. NEVER leave an exam early. That's superbly retarded. Even if all you can do is go back and reword your answers, why not do it and pick up a few style points? That could be the difference between a B+ and an A-, etc. Plus, it makes you look like a damn fool and you will be ridiculed once you're gone.
6. Exercise whenever possible. Don't be one of the multitudes of people who completely let themselves go in law school. Studying, while necessary, is not a replacement for exercise. Plus it makes your brain and your body feel better and lets you sleep more soundly (not to mention getting all the alcohol out of your pores). If you turn into a lard ass during law school, you think you're gonna have a bunch of time to undo the damage when you start practicing? Hmmmmmmmmm??
7. Study groups can be useful but generally are way overrated. You can find out early what works for you, and it's an important thing to do.
8. Ignore professors who tell you not to do "post mortems" once an exam is over. Talk about it as much as you can--why the hell not (but not with someone who doesn't share your enthusiasm)
9. Guys: don't tell anybody, except your best law school friend, anything you don't want everybody at school to know.
Ladies: don't tell anybody anything you don't want everybody at school to know.
10. Try to be as gossip-free and civil with as many people as you can. You never know when you're going to need a favor from an old classmate sometime down the road, even if it's the geeky doofus who raised his hand every day of your first year.
11. 8 hrs of sleep on a school night is too much. 5 is too little. 6 1/2 is perfect.
12. A lot of people who really, really suck as people will get really high-paying jobs, and as a result they will suck even more. Don't waste your time caring too much about this because it's happened since the beginning of time and there's nothing you can do about it.
13. Your non-law school friends don't care at all about your law school jargon or gripes, and why the hell should they? The more you try to sound lawyerly, the less interest they will have in being around you. Most of them probably have no idea how long law school is, how long you've been there, or how long you have left. To them you're just "in school," just like how to you, they're "doing marketing or something."
14. The amount someone talks in class is 150% unrelated to how good their grades will be. I cannot stress this enough.
14 1/2. If your syllabus says class participation is a factor in the final grade, your professor is lying like a motherfucker.
Please feel free to add any wisdoms I left out.
THIS JUST IN--
drinking rum and watching football is more fun than studying for finals.
We'll have more news on this breaking story as it develops.
We'll have more news on this breaking story as it develops.
A limerick from the empty caverns of my mind
Ten days with no classes--gadzooks!
Now the student can make his grades higher;
But instead of outlining and minding the books,
He spent most of it watching The Wire:
Now the student can make his grades higher;
But instead of outlining and minding the books,
He spent most of it watching The Wire:
Dirge for a Civil Procedure Exam
While I'm not technically done (one final, lesser exam on Friday), I needed to channel my frustrations somehow. Amazingly it kind of worked... although the fact that I wrote this while drinking a bottle of wine by myself and watching the Braves win certainly didn't hurt either.
With Con Law, savage beast since slain days ago
All that stood in the way of year two was Civ Pro.
No meager task this, yet none that should be feared
For the Prof was a soft spoken chap with a beard.
Thus three hours' time would surely be ample chance
to wow Mr. Prof with some civ pro parlance;
So for a few days he drudged through exams from the past
to shore up the process and write answers fast.
A Pennoyer here, there an International Shoe,
"What's the very most trouble Civ Pro Prof could do?"
But while the young student slept soundly in bed
By moonlight Prof crafted his creature of dread.
When sun bathed the schoolhouse the Prof smiled thin
As unshaven faces filed warily in, then
SHUT! went the door as this creation no more was contained, but now loose to wreak terror and gore!
But student held fast--"I'm but strong for the task--
I know ALL the answers to questions you'll ask!"
But what should appear now and dampen his plans,
than a format that far strayed from practice exams.
"One P plus four Ds times three issues?"--the rage--
Student hadn't yet even turned past the first page!
"That's fifteen alone, things just in one question,"
student gasped when he saw four more questions that section.
And the next fact pattern was decidedly worse.
"How many times must I write out 'they all are diverse!?'"
And thusly it went, as the hours rode past
the battle left student beaten down and downcast.
The creature was fierce but at last put to rest
as folklore for future 1Ls before tests.
And as student emerged to a sky clear and blue, he cried,
"Fuck it, I'm done--NOW BRING ON YEAR TWO!"
With Con Law, savage beast since slain days ago
All that stood in the way of year two was Civ Pro.
No meager task this, yet none that should be feared
For the Prof was a soft spoken chap with a beard.
Thus three hours' time would surely be ample chance
to wow Mr. Prof with some civ pro parlance;
So for a few days he drudged through exams from the past
to shore up the process and write answers fast.
A Pennoyer here, there an International Shoe,
"What's the very most trouble Civ Pro Prof could do?"
But while the young student slept soundly in bed
By moonlight Prof crafted his creature of dread.
When sun bathed the schoolhouse the Prof smiled thin
As unshaven faces filed warily in, then
SHUT! went the door as this creation no more was contained, but now loose to wreak terror and gore!
But student held fast--"I'm but strong for the task--
I know ALL the answers to questions you'll ask!"
But what should appear now and dampen his plans,
than a format that far strayed from practice exams.
"One P plus four Ds times three issues?"--the rage--
Student hadn't yet even turned past the first page!
"That's fifteen alone, things just in one question,"
student gasped when he saw four more questions that section.
And the next fact pattern was decidedly worse.
"How many times must I write out 'they all are diverse!?'"
And thusly it went, as the hours rode past
the battle left student beaten down and downcast.
The creature was fierce but at last put to rest
as folklore for future 1Ls before tests.
And as student emerged to a sky clear and blue, he cried,
"Fuck it, I'm done--NOW BRING ON YEAR TWO!"
Dear law students with small children,
Bringing your toddlers to school during finals and letting them loose to run shrieking through the halls is not "cute." I'm glad you have a happy family and it's swell that you're working hard in law school to provide them with a good life. But guess what? A few hundred other people are in the building right now TAKING EXAMS and they have paid a shit-ton of money to do so. This is not "fun happy family time." So here's a thought--DON'T BRING YOUR KIDS TO SCHOOL IN THE MIDDLE OF FINALS.
The fact that this is even an issue is fucking ridiculous.
Sincerely,
Everybody with some semblance of a brain
The fact that this is even an issue is fucking ridiculous.
Sincerely,
Everybody with some semblance of a brain
A moment of epiphany--I now know why I came to law school*
*this post contains obscenity-laden (e.g. fun) text
My true purpose in life is to find creative and entertaining ways to sue the everloving shit out of the degenerates behind solicitations such as the one that follows. Awaiting a response from a professor to an emailed question regarding the Presidential Removal Power, I checked my inbox and discovered this instead:
----
From : Elizabeth Davis
Sent : Monday, April 30, 2007 8:07 AM
To : Justice Moustache
Subject : Get20%OffOnHigh-QualityLicensedPharmaceutics.
Dear Justice Moustache,
Did you know you can get name brand pharmaceuticals shipped straight to your door? We even have Ambien, oral Cialis tabs and more! Check out bestdrugstore.com today!
-----
Never one to shy away from cordial electronic mail exchange, I offered a response.
-----
From : Justice Moustache
Sent : Monday, April 30, 2007 11:42 AM
To : Elizabeth Davis
Subject : Re: Get20%OffOnHigh-QualityLicensedPharmaceutics.
Dearest Elizabeth,
Thanks so much for your email! I don't have anything better to do during law school finals than to read computer-generated emails from worthless cunts like yourself. Why don't you peruse the warehouse and buy six vials of morphine on me and inject them into your eyeballs and heart immediately.
Once that's done, go fuck your slut mother in the poop chute with a spiked bat.
Love,
Daddy
My true purpose in life is to find creative and entertaining ways to sue the everloving shit out of the degenerates behind solicitations such as the one that follows. Awaiting a response from a professor to an emailed question regarding the Presidential Removal Power, I checked my inbox and discovered this instead:
----
From : Elizabeth Davis
Sent : Monday, April 30, 2007 8:07 AM
To : Justice Moustache
Subject : Get20%OffOnHigh-QualityLicensedPharmaceutics.
Dear Justice Moustache,
Did you know you can get name brand pharmaceuticals shipped straight to your door? We even have Ambien, oral Cialis tabs and more! Check out bestdrugstore.com today!
-----
Never one to shy away from cordial electronic mail exchange, I offered a response.
-----
From : Justice Moustache
Sent : Monday, April 30, 2007 11:42 AM
To : Elizabeth Davis
Subject : Re: Get20%OffOnHigh-QualityLicensedPharmaceutics.
Dearest Elizabeth,
Thanks so much for your email! I don't have anything better to do during law school finals than to read computer-generated emails from worthless cunts like yourself. Why don't you peruse the warehouse and buy six vials of morphine on me and inject them into your eyeballs and heart immediately.
Once that's done, go fuck your slut mother in the poop chute with a spiked bat.
Love,
Daddy
A valuable lesson in humility; the Donald; Obama 2008
Greetings new friends. I promise this is the last I'll wax on this issue... As afore menioned, I fell into the first semester trap--as so many 1Ls before me--of predicting my own success before receiving my exam grades. Although they turned out to not be as bad as I had initially thought (getting your worst grade back first is probably best for morale purposes), I'm firmly entrenched in the middle of the pack, while my aspirations had been for at least top 30%.
To further compound my confusion, I was nonchalantly conversing with another 1L the other day, a nice guy, but one whom I hadn't really figured to have much of a brain. Turns out he got all As and high Bs... which leaves me to go further impale myself on the piercing cutlass of humility. I have chosen to view this lesson as a blessing though; this experience has taught me to forget whatever I thought I knew about my own God-given abilities, and more importantly, not assume I have everyone figured out.
Moving along, I was watching Larry King last night (not really on purpose; I was flipping around) and saw Donald Trump. And I don't care about who's right or right and wrong--you've gotta love this guy. Larry showed a clip from that God-awful piece of midmorning feces, "The View" (which does for the female image what beer ads do for males), in which the lead hens are pecking about on stage, once again clucking about the Donald. Rosie O'Donnell reared back her chicken head and screeched some jibberish about "The Apprentice" tanking (which is news to me), much to the delight of the spectator hens, at which point Barbara Walters recants her previous disclosures about hating Rosie (as every American citizen does, aside from the sycophantic flabby-armed housewives gleefully gyrating in the audience). Donald of course comes across cooler and classier, reluctant to beat the dead horse that is this ongoing charade, and casually pointed out that "The Apprentice" commands ratings that Rosie's canceled show could never have dreamed of, and that once they stop talking about him on The View, the ratings will come back down again.
Thoughts?
I used to admire Barbara Walters for her journalism, but I can't help but lose all respect for her after she carved out her own backbone and pretended she loved Rosie.
In any event, without The View we would never have been graced with Tracy Morgan's impressions of Star Jones, which make this whole mess worthwhile.
And most importantly, Barack Obama will compete for the 2008 Democratic Presidential nomination.
I do have my fears about the way the country will react since so many people (mostly cavemen, cannibals, and NASCAR enthusiasts) aren't ready to have a non-white male President, but if we are able to at least open up to the possibility, it would be an unprecedented leap forward for America. Plus, even the most red-blooded Republicans are starting to realize that anything is better than what we're currently stuck with.**
**disclaimer: Republicans are Americans too, and I have several right wing friends who would even argue that they are also human beings.
To further compound my confusion, I was nonchalantly conversing with another 1L the other day, a nice guy, but one whom I hadn't really figured to have much of a brain. Turns out he got all As and high Bs... which leaves me to go further impale myself on the piercing cutlass of humility. I have chosen to view this lesson as a blessing though; this experience has taught me to forget whatever I thought I knew about my own God-given abilities, and more importantly, not assume I have everyone figured out.
Moving along, I was watching Larry King last night (not really on purpose; I was flipping around) and saw Donald Trump. And I don't care about who's right or right and wrong--you've gotta love this guy. Larry showed a clip from that God-awful piece of midmorning feces, "The View" (which does for the female image what beer ads do for males), in which the lead hens are pecking about on stage, once again clucking about the Donald. Rosie O'Donnell reared back her chicken head and screeched some jibberish about "The Apprentice" tanking (which is news to me), much to the delight of the spectator hens, at which point Barbara Walters recants her previous disclosures about hating Rosie (as every American citizen does, aside from the sycophantic flabby-armed housewives gleefully gyrating in the audience). Donald of course comes across cooler and classier, reluctant to beat the dead horse that is this ongoing charade, and casually pointed out that "The Apprentice" commands ratings that Rosie's canceled show could never have dreamed of, and that once they stop talking about him on The View, the ratings will come back down again.
Thoughts?
I used to admire Barbara Walters for her journalism, but I can't help but lose all respect for her after she carved out her own backbone and pretended she loved Rosie.
In any event, without The View we would never have been graced with Tracy Morgan's impressions of Star Jones, which make this whole mess worthwhile.
And most importantly, Barack Obama will compete for the 2008 Democratic Presidential nomination.
I do have my fears about the way the country will react since so many people (mostly cavemen, cannibals, and NASCAR enthusiasts) aren't ready to have a non-white male President, but if we are able to at least open up to the possibility, it would be an unprecedented leap forward for America. Plus, even the most red-blooded Republicans are starting to realize that anything is better than what we're currently stuck with.**
**disclaimer: Republicans are Americans too, and I have several right wing friends who would even argue that they are also human beings.
The Registrar hands down a stiff reality cheque
One month ago I finished my first semester of law school at what we'll refer to forthwith as "Southeastern Law Place." Four months ago I ignored the advice of several 3L and attorney buddies who insisted that I would have NO idea whatsoever of how I fared on my exams until I received the grades in January. I brashly ignored these sensible pleas.
Never again.
After taking the Torts final, I was sure I had basically crushed it. After Criminal, I thought I may not have done as well--maybe, GASP--even as low as the class average. Then came Contracts. Ooohhhhh, baby, I strutted out of the room like a southside pimp with a leopard skin cape after roasting that little slice of nothing. DEFINITE A there. Property didn't go so well, but hey--I was already on Law Review with the way I killed everything else, so why sweat it?
I didn't so much drive home for the holidays as much as I rode there atop a veritable wave of unsubstantiated delusions of success and future six-figure legendary lawyering, and promptly informed my parents that the worst scenario was that I would land in the top 50% (as IF), and the best-case scenario, I was looking at the top 10-15%. I mean, I'm just so fuckin smart, I aced these piddly little exams. What was the big deal? I couldn't see why anyone would ever work him or herself into a neurotic frenzy over such an easily surmountable obstacle as law school finals. But then again, most people aren't blessed with my unprecedented intellect and ability.
Enter Lady Registrar.
"Professor Gonzo's Torts Grades have been posted to the portal," the email read. Finally--confirmation of my own greatness! My head dizzied as I typed in my password, scrolled down and...
Wait, this isn't right. MUST be a typo. Does Gonzo not double check his entries? This CAN'T be right...
I had gotten a C.
Shaken, distraught, and speechless with disbelief, I zombied through the remainder of the evening. Surely this is the worst of it. An aberration--Gonzo was clearly exhausted when he graded my exam--or just mad--or graded mine first without being able to compare it to the inferior exams of my classmates. I couldn't sleep.
The next day, another email. "Professor Zork's Contracts grades have been posted to the portal." Once bitten, now shy, I slowly moved the cursor like an apprehensive stray dog approaching a well-meaning stranger weilding a hunk of top sirloin.
My Contracts grade, what I had prematurely proclaimed to be the crowning achievement of my first law school efforts: a B-.
I saturated my brain with all sorts of legal knowledge over the past five months, but this is shaping up to be the most crucial lesson I've learned yet. Stay tuned.
Never again.
After taking the Torts final, I was sure I had basically crushed it. After Criminal, I thought I may not have done as well--maybe, GASP--even as low as the class average. Then came Contracts. Ooohhhhh, baby, I strutted out of the room like a southside pimp with a leopard skin cape after roasting that little slice of nothing. DEFINITE A there. Property didn't go so well, but hey--I was already on Law Review with the way I killed everything else, so why sweat it?
I didn't so much drive home for the holidays as much as I rode there atop a veritable wave of unsubstantiated delusions of success and future six-figure legendary lawyering, and promptly informed my parents that the worst scenario was that I would land in the top 50% (as IF), and the best-case scenario, I was looking at the top 10-15%. I mean, I'm just so fuckin smart, I aced these piddly little exams. What was the big deal? I couldn't see why anyone would ever work him or herself into a neurotic frenzy over such an easily surmountable obstacle as law school finals. But then again, most people aren't blessed with my unprecedented intellect and ability.
Enter Lady Registrar.
"Professor Gonzo's Torts Grades have been posted to the portal," the email read. Finally--confirmation of my own greatness! My head dizzied as I typed in my password, scrolled down and...
Wait, this isn't right. MUST be a typo. Does Gonzo not double check his entries? This CAN'T be right...
I had gotten a C.
Shaken, distraught, and speechless with disbelief, I zombied through the remainder of the evening. Surely this is the worst of it. An aberration--Gonzo was clearly exhausted when he graded my exam--or just mad--or graded mine first without being able to compare it to the inferior exams of my classmates. I couldn't sleep.
The next day, another email. "Professor Zork's Contracts grades have been posted to the portal." Once bitten, now shy, I slowly moved the cursor like an apprehensive stray dog approaching a well-meaning stranger weilding a hunk of top sirloin.
My Contracts grade, what I had prematurely proclaimed to be the crowning achievement of my first law school efforts: a B-.
I saturated my brain with all sorts of legal knowledge over the past five months, but this is shaping up to be the most crucial lesson I've learned yet. Stay tuned.
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