A little Facebook decorum, please!

I should preface this post by assuring you that in the context in which the following FB comment appeared, it was most certainly written in seriousness.

Enjoy the thrilling adventure of escaping slavery--from the comfort of your own living room!

Monopoly? Not in this economy. Chutes & Ladders? Pfffft. Behold--Amazon.com has really hit a home run with this one!

Kudos on the artwork too. The black silhouettes (complete with hobo stick) tip-toeing for their lives. Also note the celebratory dance of freedom (or perhaps she's just been shot). And what a raw deal for all those slaves who missed out on what appears to have been the "Caribbean Cruise to Freedom" option. Thanks for nothing, Harriet Tubman!

Keep an eye out for other great games from Amazon, including Hungry Hungry Auschwitz Prisoners!

Thanks to Black Static for the heads-up.

Street sledding

Proof that you don't have to be smart to be a lawyer (in case there was ever any doubt):

The email I've been waiting for

I've been sitting around for years waiting for the medical science world to team up with the postal service to provide me with the peace of mind that comes with boner pill confidentiality.

Finally--that day has arrived!

Fun with forwards

You've probably seen these before, but I'll be G.D.'d if they ain't worth another gander.

Plus, this way I don't have to spend precious TV watching time thinking up some witty shit to write.

New Year's Resolution no. 1: No more chicken blood martinis

BEWARE. Apparently salmonella is no longer all fun and games!!! In addition to high fever, muscle cramping, and bloody diarrhea, it also has some negative side effects.

Living the 3L dream

ATTENTION 1Ls--right now you may be freaking the fuck out about exams. That's natural. I'm not here to offer advice right now (although there are several other posts here that deal with that, such as this one) but I promise it gets much, much better.

Be glad you aren't graduating yet. The legal job market is in shambles right now and by the time you graduate things should be on an upswing (hell--they couldn't possibly get worse). I am living proof that the pressure of law school is virtually nonexistent after year two (and really, after your third semester). Look at my current situation: the MPRE is over (although there's a damn good chance I'll have to retake it in March). My Trial Practice class is over (we won our trial. Bitch.). My Pretrial Practice class is also over. I only have two exams--one on Dec. 9 and one on Dec. 16. So hang in there kids, it all gets better...

Of course, then you have entirely new concerns, like getting a job and passing the bar exam. But you have plenty of other things to worry about between now and then.

In the meantime, here's a pearl to keep you from completely losing any sense of humor you had before law school. (Pssssst: you'll need to find that sense of humor again for job interviews and summer positions!):

http://www.geekologie.com/2008/11/good_idea_m an_submits_drawing.php


Oh yeah... did I mention I'll be in Costa Rica for Thanksgiving break? YEEKBONE!!!

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

I'll be getting revved up again this week. Until then, enjoy this gem from Flight of the Conchords.

Fun with Vanity Plates

Everyone knows that "vanity plate people" are a special breed of idiot. It takes an almost unfathomably inflated sense of self-importance for someone to actually put a message about himself on his license plate.

The good thing is that a vanity plate also serves as an instant warning that the person behind the wheel has the driving skills of an autistic blindfolded lemur, due largely to the fact that they feel the road is their own personal space and you are merely an unwanted guest there.

Driving down the highway the other day, however, I saw one that really twisted my brain. At first glance I thought perhaps it belonged to a female porn star, or maybe just a slut, or perhaps someone who just enjoyed being kind to others. As I drove by, however, I saw that it was a frail Indian kid leaning back in full douche regalia--sunglasses, spiked hair that could pop a volleyball, unbuttoned dress shirt (w/ standard gold chain), and of course, cellphone glued to his face.

I promise you I'm not kidding, this is precisely what it said:


Now admittedly, I don't speak Hindi--it's entirely possible that this means "Rich Playa Man" or something equally awesome in Bangalore.

Unfortunately for the cool customer showing off this plate, on the streets of America it means you are proudly announcing your desire (or ability) to diddle on the skin flute of every other male driver on the road.

Moron of the Week: Classic eBay Degenerate

You know the grown man who rides your ass when you're going 12 mph over, and then you see him in the rearview mirror flailing his arms, pounding the steering wheel, and screaming? Well I just had a fun exchange with him on eBay. Here's the actual copy of the emails--I shit you not, I did nothing to provoke this maniac--with a few of my own bracketed comments added in.

Enjoy!

--

Hello, I'll meet you and give you $120 cash for the tickets. Let me know if you can't get rid of them. Thanks!

-

NOT INTERESTED IN MEETING YOU OR ANYONE ELSE. WE DON'T DO OFF-EBAY DEALS, AND WE DON'T ASK FOR BEST OFFERS. APPARENTLY YOU'RE A HALF.COM OR CRAIGSLIST CUSTOMER WITH LITTLE OR NO RESPECT FOR EBAY RULES--NOT TO MENTION, YOUR OFFER OF LESS THAN HALF OF ASKING PRICE, AND NOT EVEN FACE IS A RIDICULOUS JOKE! WE'VE FORWARDED YOUR EMAIL TO EBAY TRUST AND SAFETY DEPARTMENT IN HOPES OF YOU LEARNING A LITTLE OF HOW THE FAR LESS ARROGANT LIVE **[where did "arrogant" even come from??]. YOU'RE IN IT FOR YOU, SO DON'T LIE ABOUT HELPING ANYONE OUT OF THEIR TICKETS [I didn't], YOU SURELY COULDN'T CARE LESS ABOUT ANYONE ELSE BUT YOURSELF. THE PRICE IS THE SAME FOR EVERYONE, AND IF WE CHOOSE TO GIVE THEM AWAY, IT WILL BE TO CHARITY LIKE WE ALWAYS DO----HEARD OF THAT? (OF COURSE NOT!) QUIT WASTING MY TIME!

-

Wow... Overreact much? Take a breath and grow up. An ethics lesson from a ticket scalper--now I've seen it all! I would suggest some serious psychological counseling.

Don't bother responding, I didn't read the first blabbering novel you sent. Also, your caps button seems to be stuck--but it sure makes you seem tough and scary. I'd wager dollars to doughnuts that you have a "W--still the president" sticker right above the vanity plate on your '94 Camaro.

Good luck selling your tickets for twice face value... The show isn't even sold out.

--

I USE ALL CAPS BECAUSE I'M LEGALLY BLIND [oh, please] AND I CAN ALMOST READ IT---NOW IS THERE SOME REASON WHY EVERYTHING IN YOUR WORLD IS ALL ABOUT YOU? [where does he get this stuff?] WHAT A SELF-DELUDED ARROGANT FUCK YOU ARE! $280 ISN'T WORTH THE BOTHER, AND BOTTOMLINE, IT TRULY WAS MORE THAN YOU COULD AFFORD ANYWAY [wait--which one of us is arrogant again?], AND I ENJOY GIVING TO THE POOR. I DIDN'T OVERREACT [really?], I ONLY RESPONDED TO SOME BEGGING ASS BITCH WITH A TRAILER TRASH OFFER. IT'S THE SHIT LIKE YOU THAT MAKES EBAY A PAIN IN THE ASS FOR THE REST OF US, AND I'LL RESPOND ALL THE FUCK I WANT, GOT ME BITCH? [Complete psychological breakdown in 3... 2... 1...] THE LAST THING IN LIFE YOU WILL EVER BE IS MY SUPERIOR, UNLESS OF COURSE IT'S ANY MORE OF YOUR PSYCHOBABBLE! WHO THE FUCK DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU ARE? IF I NEED ANY MORE OF YOUR OPINIONS, I'LL WIPE THEM OUT OF THE CRACK OF MY ASS! WHAT A FUCKING JOKE YOU ARE!...........AND BY THE WAY, IT WAS CONDESCENDING BASTARDS LIKE YOU WHO VOTED W IN TWICE TO BEGIN WITH! NOW IT'S MY TURN TO DISMISS YOU, I'LL BE DELETING WHATEVER SHIT YOU SEND FROM NOW ON, AND ALL YOU EBAY CRAP HAS BEEN BLOCKED AND BARRED FROM THIS AFTERNOON [really?...]. JUST PISS OFF AND GO AWAY!

--

This is fantastic! Keep it up, my entire office is in hysterics reading these forwards.

And speaking of forwarding emails, I think I'll let eBay have a gander at this one. Ticket scalping AND junior high-level profane insults? Saying you aren't too bright would be the understatement of the century.

You are a very sad little man and thinking about your life makes me depressed. Unfortunately for our relationship, I have a real job so I'm through responding. I do however encourage you to keep it up on your end as you check every thirty seconds to see if some fool is dumb enough to pay double face value for a show that isn't even sold out.

PS. I found a pair of tickets two rows behind yours for $30 each. Have a nice life!

--

JUST DON'T GET THE LEVEL OF ARROGANCE YOU PROJECT TO OTHERS, DO YOU? BUT I BET ALL THE LAUGHING OFFICE PEERS KNOW EXACTLY WHAT AN ASS YOU ARE! YOU FEEL YOU ARE THE EXCEPTION TO EVERYTHING, YET YOU ARE THE EXCEPTION TO NOTHING ! CONFUSED, CONDESCENDING, ARROGANT, PROBABLY LEXUS DRIVING SELF-CENTERED BASTARD---I REALLY DO FEEL SORRY FOR A SPECK OF A MAN LIKE YOU...PATHETIC REALLY THAT YOU EVEN THINK I'D GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ANYTHING YOUR BEGGING ASS HAS TO SAY--I DON'T, YET IT IS YOU WHO BEGS STRANGERS TO PAY FOR YOUR GOOD TIMES--I'M SURE YOUR FAMILY'S PROUD, BUT YOU LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND SEE SOMETHING ELSE, SAD REALLY! AND BY THE WAY, YOUR ASSUMPTIONS ARE IRONICALLY ENTERTAINING, I RETIRED 8 yEARS AGO AND I CAN EASILY BUY AND SELL YOUR ARROGANT ASS LIKE THE POCKET CHANGE YOU ARE-THE MOST COMICAL PART OF THIS WHOLE EXCHANGE----NOW YOU REALLY DO NEED TO PISS OFF AND GO AWAY, YOU HAVE CEASED BEING LOW-BROW ENTERTAINMENT LITTLE BITCH!

[Apparently I hadn't actually ceased being low-brow entertainment for him, because I stopped responding, but he kept it up anyway]:

AND ONE LAST THING, I'M LEAVING FOR A 10AM TEE-TIME AT [local golf course--I can only imagine the meltdowns this guy must have out there], SO I WON'T BE ABLE TO CLICK EVERY 30 SECONDS TODAY AS YOU SO FALSELY ASSUME, SO GET BACK TO WORK AND SAVE THE DIATRIBE. WE'LL BE LEAVING TOMORROW MORNING FOR WIMBELDON WEEK, SO YOU'LL HAVE TO BANTER ABOUT WITH MY GRANDSON [Sweet Moses, a grandson???] IN MY ABSENCE WHILE YOU'RE STILL AT WORK. YOU SEE, THIS IS JUST A HOBBY [yeah, I hear ticket scalping is really catching on with the retired crowd these days], AND TWICE FACE IS CALLED KEYSTONE IN A RETAIL OPERATION AND IS USUALLY THE DESIRED MARKUP TO ACHIEVE [and with event tickets, it's called "illegal"], AND I AM JUST SO SURE THAT YOUR PLACE OF BUSINESS OPERATES AS A NON-PROFIT ENTITY [what does this even mean?]! AGAIN, WHAT A SCHMUCK YOU ARE! TORREY PINES 2 WEEKS AGO, WIMBELDON THIS WEEK, THE BRITISH OPEN MID JULY, NEED I GO ON, OR DO YOU NEED TO GET BACK TO WORK [the only good point made in four emails]? IF I'M NOT PLAYING GOLF, I'M AT THE BOAT ON THE LAKE OR THE ONE IN KEY WEST [what is this, a Puff Daddy song?], SO WOULD YOU LIKE TO PISS OFF LIKE YOU WERE TOLD NOW [I actually stopped writing after your last email, genius]? AND PLEASE, LET EVERYONE AT THE OFFICE READ THIS, THEY'RE LAUGHING AT YOU, DUMBASS, NOT WITH YOU [I'd hazard a guess that this is not correct]!!!

--

Supreme Court rules death penalty unconstitutional for child rapists

Which prompted a huge sigh of relief from this guy:

You really should only eat oxycontin in months that end with "R"

I'm all for not jumping to conclusions about people solely on the basis of their physical appearance.

That being said, I could have taken one look at this guy and told you he was a fuckin criminal.

Restaurant owner accused of selling drugs with oysters

Charlie's Original Oyster King on South Main Street in Acworth serves up hot dogs, sandwiches and oysters made all kinds of ways.

But Acworth police say long-time owner Charles Lanzo was also serving up drugs and moonshine. He had some weapons on the side.

Lanzo and his wife, Frances, were arrested Tuesday after an undercover investigation that lasted several months, said Police Chief Michael Wilkie
Frances Lanzo was charged with illegal possession of drugs. When she was arrested police found five Alprazolam pills on her. The prescription drug is sold as Xanax and is used to treat depression.

Charles Lanzo was charged with felony possession of Ecstasy and Oxycontin and felony intent to distribute marijuana and cocaine. He was also charged with felony weapons possession.

Lanzo was charged with possession of non-taxed distilled spirits, a misdemeanor, for the 10 mason jars of moonshine found at the restaurant.

"It appears that Mr. Lanzo was selling a little bit of everything in addition to his oysters," Wilkie said. "We've heard complaints about this for quite some time, and we were finally able to successfully make a case against him."

When police raided the restaurant, they found 2.5 pounds of marijuana. Acworth Detective Mark Cheatham said the marijuana is worth about $1,500.

Police also found one "small teal green pill" of Ecstasy, 7 grams of cocaine, and several Oxycontin pills, according to the arrest warrant. Police also seized $16,000.

Two rifles, a Remington Model 700 .308 and Marlin 30-30 carbine lever-action, and two Smith and Wesson semi automatic handguns, a 9 mm and 22 caliber, were found in a bedroom located inside the restaurant.
The couple were released on bond.

"I was at a meeting the other night, and a long-term resident in Acworth made the comment to me that they always wondered how he was able to stay in business so long with so few cars ever parked out there," Wilkie said. "Now, we know the secret, I suppose."

According to the restaurant's Web site, Lanzo and his wife have operated the Oyster King for 15 years.

Acworth Mayor Tommy Allegood, who has lived in the city for about 12 years, said he doesn't know the owners.
"He's not a member of the Acworth Business Association," Allegood said.

The restaurant is open for business. A man who answered the phone Thursday and said he was Lanzo declined to comment.

The Web site tripadvisor.com has one review of the restaurant posted.
The review, dated Feb 10, says "The oysters were fantastic, although scraped off the bottom of Allatoona, you have to get past that."

I didn't even need to go to law school to know this was effin stupid

But apparently this kid didn't realize it... along with 100 other San Diego State frat boys. I haven't posted one in a while, but this just screams Moron of the Week... congratulations, Kenny--whoever you are--on resurrecting the prestigious award!

These guys nailed it

Given my previous tirade against Criss Angel's dumb ass "magical" mind freaking, this video simply must be posted... enjoy.

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

Just a typical Saturday night

Thanks to the Grapist for this gem:

Dedication or constipation?

Sheriff: Woman sat on boyfriend's toilet for 2 years; didn't want to leave bathroom

NESS CITY, Kan. — Authorities are considering charges in the bizarre case of a woman who sat on her boyfriend's toilet for two years--so long that her body was stuck to the seat by the time the boyfriend finally called police.

Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple said it appeared the 35-year-old Ness City woman's skin had grown around the seat. She initially refused emergency medical services but was finally convinced by responders and her boyfriend that she needed to be checked out at a hospital.

"We pried the toilet seat off with a pry bar and the seat went with her to the hospital," Whipple said. "The hospital removed it."

Whipple said investigators planned to present their report Wednesday to the county attorney, who will determine whether any charges should be filed against the woman's 36-year-old boyfriend.

"She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body," Whipple said. "It is hard to imagine. ... I still have a hard time imagining it myself."

He told investigators he brought his girlfriend food and water, and asked her every day to come out of the bathroom.

"And her reply would be, 'Maybe tomorrow,'" Whipple said. "According to him, she did not want to leave the bathroom."

The boyfriend called police on Feb. 27 to report that "there was something wrong with his girlfriend," Whipple said, adding that he never explained why it took him two years to call.

Police found the clothed woman sitting on the toilet, her sweat pants down to her mid-thigh. She was "somewhat disoriented," and her legs looked like they had atrophied, Whipple said.

"She said that she didn't need any help, that she was OK and did not want to leave," he said.

She was reported in fair condition at a hospital in Wichita, about 150 miles southeast of Ness City. Whipple said she has refused to cooperate with medical providers or law enforcement investigators.

Authorities said they did not know if she was mentally or physically disabled.

Police have declined to release the couple's names, but the house where authorities say the incident happened is listed in public records as the residence of Kory McFarren. No one answered his home phone number.

The case has been the buzz Ness City, said James Ellis, a neighbor.

"I don't think anybody can make any sense out of it," he said.

Ellis said he had known the woman since she was a child but that he had not seen her for at least six years.

He said she had a tough childhood after her mother died at a young age and apparently was usually kept inside the house as she grew up. At one time the woman worked for a long-term care facility, he said, but he did not know what kind of work she did there.

"It really doesn't surprise me," Ellis said of the bathroom incident. "What surprises me is somebody wasn't called in a bit earlier."

Vital news from the front lines

The following is an excerpt from a recent email from a college buddy of mine who is now a 1st Lieutenant in the Marines, and is currently on his second tour in Iraq...

I would first like to thank everyone for showing great restraint and tact by not sending me Gay Porn and/ or a giant dildo this year for Valentine’s Day. I had to endure several judging looks from the platoon for a while thanks to those care packages last year. Although, to go on a tangent, they were put to good use. The dildo ended up getting used as an ‘alarm clock’ by the Battery Gunnery Sergeant on Sergeants and Corporals that slept too long and for beatdowns for a couple of Marines’ birthdays. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a Marine get tackled by a group of his buddies and beaten senseless by a giant dildo. In the end I snuck the beast into the bottom of one of the Sergeant’s bag’s prior to leaving post, the current location remains unknown.

As for the gay porn, I was able to hide it in the flak jacket of one of my infantry buddies in the space between the armor plate and the Kevlar vest in the front armor pouch. This cracked me up for a while and then I ended up getting really worried. Internal dialogue: “Holy shit, what if he ends up getting shot and killed? What if the parents receive the body and have to ask themselves, ‘What kind of weird shit was my son into?! I love my son, I love my dead, gay son!’” Yes, I become a much simpler creature while on deployment. So much for that Philosophy degree.

Simon's latest victim: aspiring American Idol Alberto Hurtado

This is a rare gem... Please, please watch it. I promise it's worth it.

"You are the equivalent of a storm cloud on a sunny day..."

I live for these

If your stubborn arse still hasn't checked out Marmaduke Explained (see my links section on the right), maybe this little gem will entice you: